martedì 13 gennaio 2009

De cara a la pared

Warning: A- class hot shot players may consider the following entry as "nothing", thus, if it s not emotion that you re in for, I suggest you abandon this page and fill your time with meaningful actions.

de cara a la pared
se quema la ciudad

I thought I were in a space-time hole because I don°t know who I am. Being and having have been synonymous for me. Always. I never gave it much thought, it just came, by instinct and intuition, like most knowledge and understanding in my life. So, when the certainty of having nothing dawned on me so fiercely, the immediate conclusion was that I had also stopped from be-ing. But my body keeps aging so I guess my life these days is existence without being. Just like on new year° s eve, I find myself at a huge crossroads. And I feel blind and empty.

I grew up being taught that God exists. Not only did I believe, I believed with fervor. Reason proves that God does not exist other than abstractly so pam! one pillar down.
I grew up being taught other fundamental things as well, in which I ,of course believed with fervor. More than anything I believed in people. Blindly. In their capacity to break their on patterns. But they never do and things are usually what they seem. Statistics often gives brighter insight than metaphysics.
I think I can break my pattern and I think it s one of the things that makes me free.

So yes, I am without being. I have no name and I°m scared about walking because I°m used to 100 meter speed races. I°m lazy and superficial. My biggest pleasure is dancing. I°m fond of sweet cigarettes and I could spend the entire day sleeping. I compensate these flaws through my kind nature. I have a taste for mentally -ill men such as Frank. But only, and I mean, only if they are slaves to Beauty. Together we experience Nonsense in the most decadent ways. I dress up like a porn nun, he straps my clothes, ties me to the bed, throws a fistful of cocaine on my burning body and I couldn°t care less if the whole world goes out in smoke. We smash the car, we trash his place, we paint the wall water green. We hate each other a little bit more than we hate ourselves. We cheat and we lie. We are simple people who get happiness out of the satisfaction of the basic needs.We wear white shirts and hats. We buy Chanel ties that grandpa would like. We hope someone will miraculously save us even if we know it ° s just us who can do that. But we do nothing about it. Because we know that Time does not have patience, so we ignore it pretending this would make it disappear. Sometimes I wonder if we dont°t have split personalities. Oh, what a bitter taste.

The price one has to pay for freedom.
THe outrageous frailty and imperfection of My being.

sin respirar
te quiero amar
te quiero amar

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